a cycle

soul mates

intothair

We first met when I was 14.

I was crossing the road, and you saw me.

You told your brother to stop the car, right there, in the middle of the road, came down, looked at me, smiled, gave me your card and said "Call me".

I wanted to, but I didn't.

The second time we met, was when I was 15.

I was with my cousins that day, watching the squatter houses getting torn down, and you were there.

You stood on the huge rock, and looked down at me.

I felt someone staring at me, so I turned to look.. and there you were, smiling at me but I looked away.

When I was about to leave, I saw you walking my way, but then the fireman that was there, came over to talk to me just a few seconds before you.. you looked at me, turned and left.

A few months later, we spoke for the very first time.

Yes, I decided to call you and our conversation lasted 2 hours.

We told each other our likes, dislikes, and found out that we had a lot in common.

The next week, I was walking back home, and I saw you on your scooter. With a girl. And you were holding her hand so tightly, it was as though you were never going to let go.

I reached home... sat down.. and all of a sudden...pain rushed through my entire body.. but I didn't cry.. all I could do was think to myself, why does this hurt so much? why did seeing him on his scooter with a girl hurt me so badly? why?

Then I realized.

Even after the first time we met, when you gave me your card, i couldn't stop thinking of you, and that smile of yours.

Did I fall in love? Maybe.

After that day, I saw you with her, everyday and so, I did what was best. I moved on.

5 years went by without thinking of you. I literally managed to block you out of my mind and my life, and life, was going pretty swell for me.

College started, new friends were made, and a loving boyfriend of 3 years was in my life. Life was a bliss.

Semester break came along, and I decided to head home for the month.. and one day, during a walk, I saw you... and you saw me.. you ran across the road and said "Hi!".. all i could do was smile.

Why couldn't I just turn and walk away? It was like my feet were glued to the ground the minute you smiled.

You asked how I was, and I said great.

The next question was "Boyfriend?" I answered "Yes".. you said "Oh" and walked away like you did everytime you heard something you didn't like.

I called out to you and said we can be friends and you smiled and agreed.

We started hanging out a lot. Movies, drinks, surfing, live band shows. You called me up one evening and said to come over to the usual place. i told you I'd be there in 10.

When i arrived, you were up on stage.. That was a normal thing, since you were in a band. You sang Faithfully by Journey and at the end, you said that it was for me.

I froze.

What were you thinking?

what was I thinking?

I had a boyfriend.

Then I snapped back to my reality.

What was happening?

We said we'd be friends. But.. did something happen along the way?

When I woke up that night, I found you next to me. I got out of bed, on to the balcony, and had a cigarette. Shit. I had done something I swore never to do. cheat. Then you came out, and we had a huge argument. the next thing you did, made me blow up.

You called my boyfriend. and told him everything.

He left me. I left you. you sent me a text saying "I hate you", i replied with "Thank you for coming into my life and ruining everything and for making me so blinded that I actually slept with you"

I never heard from you again.

All I could think of after that was what the hell was i thinking? What in the world made me sleep with you? why did I throw away a perfectly good relationship for you? but I didn't put the blame on you. I blamed myself. for being so stupid.

10 years after that day, i'm happily married, with a beautiful daughter, and by the power of facebook, you found me. I accepted your friend request and then while chatting one day, you asked me, what happened to us.

You told me you never forgot me, how my hair smelt after being washed, how I laughed, how I made you happy, how you felt complete when I was next to you.

i told you I never forgot you either. especially your smile.

You said let's run away together. I said no. you're married. I'm married. that's the way it should be.

you said it wasn't.

you said we were soul-mates.

All i said was

"We are soul-mates that weren't meant to end up together. If we had started at the very beginning, we might have been together for a lifetime"

you said maybe in our next lifetime.

i told you that in our next lifetime, when you stop the car in the middle of the road, don't give me your card. just say "Will you be mine".

You agreed but said "I'll just say Will you marry me"

We laughed.

Yes. we are soul-mates, we're not together, but we never forgot one another.

tell me i am worth it

jane bird + unknown

what is love?

unknown

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 15 years old. Whether they lasted a year, a few months, or 3 years I have experienced all different kinds of relationships. My first boyfriend,
cared about me a lot and I could care less about him. My second boyfriend, my first love, the person I lost my virginity too, who cared about me as much as I cared about him but in the end it just didn’t work out. My third boyfriend was my best friend since 5th grade and I was the one that cared a lot more than he did me. After that things start to get blurry. I was with guys for a few months at a time and now I’ve realized that I don’t know the difference between
lust and love. How I feel is different than what makes sense logically. My head and my heart can never seem to come to an agreement. When I ask married women how they knew their husbands were the one, they all come up with the same answer, “You’ll just know, you’ll feel it.” Well thank you for that answer, however it doesn’t do me any good. What does that mean? I find myself thinking about my feelings and my thoughts on love constantly. It consumes 95% of my thoughts and about 50% of my time. It’s something that people have constantly wrote about, talked about, and dreamed about so why is it that no one has the same answer let alone the correct answer? It’s something that people will continue to try to figure out and I just hope that in this lifetime I will experience it and hold on to it forever. I will continue to jump from relationship to relationship trying to figure out what it all means and if anyone has the slightest idea what Love is, True love, if there is such a thing please inform me.
-LR

when someone knows

tfs + tumblr

i wish

overclouded

I have known this boy for four years. He's the most incredible, loving person that I've ever met in my life. I love everything about him. We've had so many ups and downs that most of our friends believe that we're completely insane and are inseparable despite harsh words and the rash decisions we make. We broke each others hearts over and over and fell in and out of love with each other. We were together for about two and a half years. We were crazy in love with each other without a doubt. But the twist was, our love was through school. Our relationships were hidden from our families. I'm chinese, he's pakistani.. meaning we could never be together in reality. Everyday that I got to see him out of school, I cherished. He's my first love and I'm his. So what do you do with that, you move on to find your next love, right? No, everything's always going to be complicated in a girls life. Over the years I've learned to love his family even though they hate me. It's hard to believe that's possible considering how many times our relationship has been ruined because they disapprove of me so much. At one point his family hated him because he was with me. I felt terrible everyday but he wouldn't let me go. Of course over the years they came around because we are no longer together. Lately we've been acting like we're together, no PDA because he has a brother in the school. But through our minds and hearts, we're sweet and loving like a couple, and I'm really happy with that. I've fallen for him all over again. A few weeks ago he broke down to me. He didn't know what to do because he loves me and wants to be with me but he can't. I wanted so much to say just be with me.. He's getting an arranged marriage some day. It breaks my heart but I respect that his family traditions will continue. I just need a long time to accept it. Everything between us is over now. I miss him so much. I don't know how to let him go. I wish that they took the time to realize how much I genuinely love their son and arranged for us to get married, i wish.

JL

me + you

lauryn holmquist + tumblr

gone rogue

luuhtrindade

to my best friend.
im in love with you, it happened abruptly and out of nowhere but nonetheless it was clear as day while i was laying in you arms that i am indeed in love with you. you proposed to me when we were three years old, and i turned you down. i ran away from you with hot tears of embarrassment fleeting down my face hoping to never see you again. but yet here i am. fifteen years later. in love with you. you have no idea, and well to be honest up until now i myself have been in denial about it. im scared. im scared to lose our friendship. im scared to lose my best friend, my trustee, and my cuddle buddy. im sitting here writing this, not even planning on doing anything with it, just getting it out of my head. finally making it real, enabling myself from further lying to myself about it. i cant imagine ever telling you how i feel. i continue to torture myself with your presence, i should end our friendship right here and now, and finally free my self from my self inflicted torment. but i cant. i cant imagine my life without you in it. i cant imagine not being able to laugh with you about the air head things i did today or make fun of how immature you are. im terrified because i know what it feels like to have your best friend be in love with you, but to just simply not reciprocate the feeling. i now officially know what it feels like to be on both sides, and let me tell ya their both miserable. thats the funny thing about love, you cant control it. you cant control who you love, or when you love them. love has seemingly gone rogue. or has it always been?
EM

extraordinary together

unknown

how good it makes us feel.

tumblr

I have never felt as much pain in my heart as I did during my fifteenth birthday. I had been looking forward to that day for as long as I could remember – I was the last one out to turn fifteen and my first love wanted to see me. I had been waiting for him the whole day and I was so curious about how he was going to surprise me. The sun was slowly fading and soon it was hidden by beautiful pink clouds – the kinds that only show themselves during lukewarm summer nights. I met up with what I thought was the love of my life and he surprised me, he shocked me so bad I lost my breath. And in that very moment I honestly believed I was going to die. When I finally was able to breathe again, without knowing what I was about to do, I ran away – from the love of my life.

I just kept on running not knowing where I was about to go, but I found a park bench and I sat down for a while. I tried to think clearly, but I couldn’t, what had just happened? Why couldn’t I breathe? Had I been running? Why? I tried to remember what had happened, and then suddenly a lightening rushed through my chest and I remembered what had just happened – it was my fifteenth birthday and my first true love had left me.

I don’t know for how long I was sitting at that park bench, but I remember I watched people walking by – they all seemed so happy, how was that possible? I heard the sound of my phone ringing time and time again, but I didn’t have the strength to answer, I didn’t have the power to move a single muscle. I was thinking about how to get home, if maybe I would have to go to the hospital, though the pounding pain in my chest never seemed to give in. I was thinking and thinking and I found it all rather ironic – me, Isabelle, had been dumped on my fifteenth birthday, what a goddamn karma. I had never been God’s greatest child, but I never figured it would turn out to be this bad.

All of a sudden I saw my dad standing right in front of me, when I saw his face I knew that he knew what had happened. He grabbed my hand and led me to the car which was parked a few blocks away. When I came home I went straight to bed, where I spent the following days. I wanted to know why my first love had left me, I wanted to hear his explanation and I wanted to know exactly what he had told me the day he left me, because I couldn’t remember anything.

It’s truly impossible to put words on the pain I felt inside of me, but the pain never gave in, it just kept on stealing the insignificant energy I had left. The pain burned through my chest, tore my heart to pieces and my crying never seemed to come to an end. Time was running away and every day I was thinking to myself “Tomorrow the pain will be gone”, but it never was. Until a chilly autumn day in the middle of November, I unexpectedly caught myself thinking there wasn’t anything scratching like barbed wire around my heart – the pain was gone. The memories were still there though as well as the fear, but the actual pain inside my body had disappeared.

The thing is that there isn’t the moment when I was dumped in literal sense that’s putting a strain on me today. It’s when I think about the pain I feel sad, or rather scared, because if I felt like that then – then my heart will stop beating for real when the person who gives me a reason to live leaves me. I am going to cry so hard I’m not going to be able to breathe and I won’t be able to calm down or even control myself.

I think that’s exactly why we are afraid of love. Because in truth been told we do know that it’s possible to actually love someone too much, we know the possibility does exist. Isn’t that crazy – to love someone too much? We also do know love always ends unfortunate. Even if love lasts a whole lifetime there comes a time when we are torn apart by death, which frightens me a lot.

But then we got to think like this as well, even how miserably love seems to end it doesn’t mean the ending reveals the history we’ve shared together. Even though love sometimes hurt really badly we also have to remember how good it makes us feel. It makes us feel free, like we can live forever. Love is like a movie – you cannot dislike a wonderful movie with a bad ending – it’s just not possible to feel sad and angry about the bad ending if the rest of the movie felt like a dream.

/Isabelle

please stop

whenever

fudbal

There’s this boy.

There’s this boy that I thought I was over. Last night when I saw him again after two years, I suddenly realised that I wasn’t.

It's you.

Our relationship was never serious. We were never committed to one another, but still we were in each other’s lives for two years. At least you were in mine for two full years. In my mind and in my dreams.

I was never over you. I know that now.

All the breaks we had, where we didn’t talk - I was still thinking about you all those times. We were only together when you wanted us to be. The rest of the time I was just waiting for you to want me again. Longing to hear those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. Waiting for your hand to be back in mine.

Two years of good times and bad.

But then you got a girlfriend and we stopped talking. She broke up with you, and we still didn’t talk.

I was with others guys. I was over you. Of course I was. I rarely even thought about you anymore.

Then last night I saw you. I met you at a friend’s. We barely talked. But I’m used to that. We always did this. No talking and then suddenly we were back in each other's lives.

God, you are so hard to figure out. I wish I could have figured you out then. That would have stopped me from still wondering now.

Because now I've got all these feeling back in my body. Feelings I thought I no longer had - but know now that I'd just hidden away in a tiny box and kept in my heart (and maybe forgotten a little bit about.)

Yesterday, just seeing you and being in your presence opened that box, and along with the wondering came nostalgic thoughts of you and us, which have now filled up my heart. My heart pumps all these feelings through my body, and I am desperately trying to squish them back into the little box, so it doesn't hurt so much. The feelings won't go away, but at least when I keep them in one place, it's not as painful as when I have them pumping through my every vein.

I just want you to know that I still adore you and that I'm here if you want me.

You can open the box.

Whenever,

S

...all day long

lauryn holmquist+tumblr

I can't say it.

tumblr

I know there's lots of instances where people are hesitant or have issues with saying "I love you" to their lovers, s/o's, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses etc. But I think something is wrong with me. I can't say I love you to my family members. I don't know if it's because I'm Korean and my parents never raised us in such a setting-- and that isn't to say they aren't loving parents, they're great people. My dad isn't anywhere near the "mean, cold" type of Korean fathers. He's pretty "Americanized" in terms of his traditions, values, etc etc. My mom is in between. But all in all I know they love me. I know they love me and my brother and I love them to death. I don't love anyone more than my family...but we don't say I love you to each other. I want to so bad. But I can't. I know. You must think I'm psycho or pathetic, it's just a few simple words and it's not like I don't mean it but why can't I get it to roll off my tongue? I feel so pathetic I wrote this little letter to God.

Lord-- I wonder almost every single day why you made it so that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. I wish I could save everyone and everything, even myself. I wish I could save myself from falling into deep plunder where I only bask myself in anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, loneliness and frustration. I wish I could save the people I love most--my family, from falling into their habitual sins just as I do mine. If I could pick, I'd want to save them first because I would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. I wish I could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. I wish I could save my brother from feeling helpless and getting lost into self-depletion as many people this age do. I wish I could save my mama from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. I wish I could save myself from hating myself for not being able to help any of them on my own accord, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and sister and person. But mostly I wish that I was even half the person was wishing I am right now; I wish that I could let these people know that I love them more than all of the obstacles I've overcome. This writing all feels purposeless and all talk because it's true. When the one's I want to know won't know, what's the point of writing this anyways? Because I am a failing person who can't express my emotions to people that are especially close. To people I love. Dear God I wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can chalk up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can't do what matters. When me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. Sometimes I am bitter at You because You know I always complain about the same thing: why aren't there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts OUT? And in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because it's wrapped up in this blog text box...and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere technological blog text box where I push submit.

i told you...

Ferdi Trihadis

never had luck in love

lucia

I have never had luck in love. When I mean luck in love, I mean luck with having a boyfriend. I have always had luck in love in friendship and family. People have always taken care of me; I have never been left alone with myself and all my feelings. Therefore, the fact that I never have had a boyfriend, have not bothered me. I’ve been filled with love from my family, and from all of my adorable friends. I know I am lucky. Not everybody live such a great life, with supporting family and friends. But lately, I’ve been feeling kind of empty. It’s like I’m longing for someone, it’s like my heart is screaming for something more. I feel embarrassed of this; because I really should be happy. But still, I can’t ignore the fact that I’m in a need for a boyfriend. There is so much that I want to do, so much that I’ve never had a chance of doing. Like kissing in different settings, falling to sleep with somebody’s arms around me, having thousands of tickling butterflies in the stomach, waking up with somebody starring at me, laughing cheerfully out loud when this somebody is being silly, walking hands in hands in the city and feel like you are the luckiest girl on planet, being teased with, and then getting forgive-me kisses, being told that you are beautiful, and tell it back, doing things that you never wanted to do, but you now want to do because he likes it, talking on the phone with him at late nights just to hear his voice, being understood and loved for being yourself, being told that you are the most important person in the world for him, and that nothing is ever going to change that.

I have so many things that I want to say and so many things that I want to do. But I can’t do anything. I don’t know this somebody, and I am afraid that I never will. I have waited so long for this somebody to come, so long that I have made him an unrealistic and fictional person. Boys like him don’t really exist. They are too good to be true. They are made up in messed up minds like mine, and the only time you will ever meet them, is when you fall asleep and drag them in to your dreams.

- ingrid

we will be ok.

ffffound

my confession

tumblr

I don't know how it happened, how I went ahead and made my life harder than it usually was.

I remember being with my first boyfriend and how much I loved him then suddenly everything changed, I know I don't love him anymore or at least not as much as before.
After a 3 year relationship with him, I suddenly met someone who shook my world at first glance, and finally I felt new and great. We spent quite sometime together and I felt that he was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, it seems he didn't feel the same way as he made excuses to not be with me, like: he was too busy with work and didn't want to neglect me. I kind of got lost in what he told me, I was sad as I felt my heart plunder down everyday.

A year passed by and I still felt love for him as I tried to lie to myself about what I felt and towards who. I finally told him again how I felt and he, again, replied in metaphors I couldn't understand. I was crushed again to the point I was no more. Staying cold and brokenhearted kept me from becoming insanely depressed, as another year passed by, I meet him again, we spend 4 hours talking to each other, walking and flirting, everything was fun. I knew I still loved him at that point, my love for him was still there, stronger than ever. But time won against my will, he left with a solid goodbye and I, once more, was left to keep myself from the brink of insanity with my broken heart.

Two more years pass by, and yet again we meet. We do the usual; talk for a long time, have fun and flirt and at that point I felt like he was that perfect man I needed in my life but irony struck into our conversation when I was left at gunpoint, at fault for claiming why he did such "kind" actions knowing he could never be with me, he stormed off and never to be seen again, or so it seemed.

Finally, 3 years have passed since that incident, I was smoking outside the place I work, and while he was passing by, I saw him and I felt his cold shoulder, the horrid pain of being nothing to someone who means everything to you. Since then I've tried deleting him from my memories, but as my mind forgets his face, my heart still remembers the pain, the only thing that actually made me feel human for once; the love I have for him.

Now I'm getting married to someone who I would never love with the same kind of love that I have for "him". I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right, but all I know is that I love a different man than the one I'm marrying.

This is my confession, this is my redemption.

the last dream i had

weheartit/kimberlygillett

why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?

from post author

We were my dream.
You saw me that first day of 6th grade, when I came for pictures, and your mind was set. You chased me through junior high until I caved in 8th grade & we became inseparable. You were my only one. We made it through high school; through the games with your number on my cheek, through dances, through homecoming court together, through changes in friends & family, we made it through it all.
We were different.
We fit together like God had carved us out of the same stone, only to find each other when the time was right. People knew. They could tell the depth of what we had. Evan after years, we never grew tired of each other. It was like I looked in the mirror & you were always by my side. You picked me up, cared for me, when my family fell apart. I picked you up, cared for you, when your plans & life fell apart. We had each other. High school sweethearts? No, it was long before that. College happened, you gave up your baseball scholarship to be closer to me, though I would have gone anywhere for you, and you knew it.
We grew together.

and then we grew apart.
When you left me, my body broke. It wasn't just a heartbreak, it was almost 6 years together, gone. And you found her. Two days after we broke up, you were on a date. My world was broken. I wish I could say that I went into 'girl power' mode, but that didn't happen. I dropped weight, I dropped classes, I dropped self-respect. You gained friends, you gained freedom, you gained her. Compare or contrast, I lost the battle either way.

Then I moved.
I'm a storybook character. I dropped out of school & I moved 2000 miles away. I deleted you from my phone, from my facebook, from my life. I moved on.

You found me.
In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my morning runs, you were there. You are embedded in my soul forever, the first love I ever felt. It rocked me. A storm had come, eroded away my being, and left me a ghost town of the past.

We found our friendship. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was the time, but we grew close again. She's still there. "I have a crush on her, but I love you," is what you told me. You did exactly what I hoped you'd do. You confessed that you still loved me. I confessed I still loved you.
Stand still.

Now I'm coming back. I'll be home in a month, you asked to be the one at the airport waiting for me. I hope you are. It's never going to be the same. We're not going to be together. You've strung me along for too long. She's still there. I won't be second best. What you don't know is I have everything you ever wanted, and you took advantage of it, then dumped me for something that didn't last.

I will always love you. I will melt when you say my name. I will fold under your pressure. I will cry when we separate. But I will leave.
You will not leave me, not again.

Have heart, my soul has mended. I will find my love. Not my true love, that was you. You gave it away. But, I will find happiness.
Love scares me.


Why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?

your crazy emotional needs...

restartmyheart

not because I deserve better.

tumblr

I broke up with you today. I broke up with you after five months together. Five months that to me didn’t mean so much.

I thought it would be an easy breakup. I would explain that my feelings had simply gone away; it had nothing to do with you. That was the truth. It had nothing to do with you. In never had.

See, you were the boy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey. You weren’t that funny. You didn’t dress very well. And you weren’t all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.

So I simply told you. I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had had feelings for you.

You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you´d probably keep loving me for a couple of months, and that I would have to let you do that. I didn’t know what to do else than to wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.

Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past five months, and you didn’t know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.

That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn’t have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.

i will love you...

thehyacinthgirl

sister

muszka

I spend too much time writing about my sister. Every word though, gets
lost. Sucked back into the cavern that I am trying to write about.

That is the problem about writing an absence. The nothingness consumes the
words.

My sister and I are not close.
There is one of my secrets, touch it gently.

So many siblings, so close. So much loyalty, and shared secrets. And I
move amongst them like a liar, a betrayer of the blood.

There is so little shared between us that in its minimalism it becomes
domineering. Overwhelming.

Please understand we are not antagonistic. We are perfectly, blandly,
devastatingly congenial. We can sit and watch Friends, and laugh together.
We can go grocery shopping together in our sweatpants and feel the same
embarrassment when we run into that guy that lives down the street.

Once, last summer, I was out with my friends and she was there too‹in the
same bar as me. The same dusky basement. I didn't know that though. I
found out because someone else mentioned she was there. When I asked her
about it she said she'd seen me. There it was. Bald.
You saw me, I said, but you didn't come to say hello.
Well, she said, no.
I see.

Now do you see?

We are bound by blood. There is an inherent loyalty. But there is no reason,
no relationship, no other support for the loyalty. It just floats there,
disembodied.

We don't trust each other.
I have put you outside of my life. And you have disappeared into yours.

This is our mystery.
My mystery. I try to solve it, with my clumsy words. But I am no scientist,
that is you. And you are foreign to me.

I do love you, my sister. I love you as my sister, I love in that whole
sense. Like a blanket, I wrap around you. I cannot love you in the
details, the micro‹but I will love you in the macro.

My love somehow betrays you.
I feel that keenly.
But the point is, it is love, after all.

i wonder

tumblr/weheartit