never had luck in love

lucia

I have never had luck in love. When I mean luck in love, I mean luck with having a boyfriend. I have always had luck in love in friendship and family. People have always taken care of me; I have never been left alone with myself and all my feelings. Therefore, the fact that I never have had a boyfriend, have not bothered me. I’ve been filled with love from my family, and from all of my adorable friends. I know I am lucky. Not everybody live such a great life, with supporting family and friends. But lately, I’ve been feeling kind of empty. It’s like I’m longing for someone, it’s like my heart is screaming for something more. I feel embarrassed of this; because I really should be happy. But still, I can’t ignore the fact that I’m in a need for a boyfriend. There is so much that I want to do, so much that I’ve never had a chance of doing. Like kissing in different settings, falling to sleep with somebody’s arms around me, having thousands of tickling butterflies in the stomach, waking up with somebody starring at me, laughing cheerfully out loud when this somebody is being silly, walking hands in hands in the city and feel like you are the luckiest girl on planet, being teased with, and then getting forgive-me kisses, being told that you are beautiful, and tell it back, doing things that you never wanted to do, but you now want to do because he likes it, talking on the phone with him at late nights just to hear his voice, being understood and loved for being yourself, being told that you are the most important person in the world for him, and that nothing is ever going to change that.

I have so many things that I want to say and so many things that I want to do. But I can’t do anything. I don’t know this somebody, and I am afraid that I never will. I have waited so long for this somebody to come, so long that I have made him an unrealistic and fictional person. Boys like him don’t really exist. They are too good to be true. They are made up in messed up minds like mine, and the only time you will ever meet them, is when you fall asleep and drag them in to your dreams.

- ingrid