no matter what

fuchsiadrops

i know love. i've seen her- we are friends. i believe in her and even though we fight sometimes, in the end she always pulls through for me when i need her and for that, i'm grateful.

right now, we are not on the best of terms. i feel like i have a bone to pick with love. i am watching one of the most difficult things i have ever had to watch. i am watching the person who taught me about love, the person who introduced us, i'm watching her fall apart.

it sucks. because, having finally learned to believe in something, i have to watch it be tested in this way, and i don't know whats going to happen, or how, or why its happening. why would love, our sweet, gentle, loyal friend, desert one of her own? how could she? how could she stand by and let this happen to someone with so much faith in her?

it is unfair. it tears me up and it makes me wonder- have we all misplaced our trust, our hope, faith and belief? it makes me wonder why we're all out to befriend such a fickle, fickle bitch. if she could just chose to take a rain-check on us like this, when times get hard.

i think, we can be very hard on love. we expect so much. we want to salvage our relationship so badly, that we refuse to let her off the hook even when its not entirely her fault. we look at love, and ask her why.

we need to not blame ourselves, we need to not point fingers. we need to understand the nature of love, we need to understand how she works and why. because otherwise, we are bound to be let down. we need to understand that she is around simply, to entertain us. to make her presence felt. perhaps comfort us, and reassure us. in the end, we wallow in the belief that she will not, cannot, hold you together when you need her most. that is because we are blind.

we are a dependent society and i find it sad. i love love. i love my boyfriend, i love my family, and i love my friends. hell, i love my fuzzy gray beanie that will probably never be returned to its rightful owner... i love love. but i have a healthy fear, an acknowledgment to the fact that she is liable to drop out from beneath my feet at any moment. the future is not promised us.

we need to stop running, blindfolded by love. we need to accept that things change, and accept love from wherever we can get it, even if its not where you want it to come from. we need to let our friends love us. let our parents, pets, and hobbies, love us.
because when you lose one source of love, you're going to wish you had another.

love, where are you when we need you? the truth is, she's right there. we are just to absorbed to see her, because she takes a form that we may not necessarily be in the mood for. but she is there. she is always there. and she may not love you. but you need to love her.

no matter what, you need to love her.

-lindsay

you only think...

her0in_chic on Xanga

some of you have asked if i have a twitter...
i do! it's run through my fashion blog le fashion.
so, it is a mix of personal tweets + fashion tweets.
if you're interested, feel free to check it out HERE
♥

can still be friends

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Dear Best Friend,

15 years ago. I was dating your friend. My high school sweetheart. You were a good friend. Your friend and I, we got married. We had babies. We moved away. You too. Heard your wife drove your family crazy.

11 years later, I'm divorcing. I'm moving back "home". You're dating your first girlfriend. Everything ends. My divorce is final. We're both free.

We sit on my porch. We smoke. We laugh. We brood. We're lonely.

You're my companion. We fit so easily together. I start looking forward to Chinese food on the weekends; highlight of my week.

1 year goes by. Bad idea to date friends.
But we've known each other for so long.
But don't want to loose my friend.
But we could still be friends after... Right?

Finally, it happens! A kiss!
A wonderful, perfect kiss.
Our friends aren't surprised. "It's about time."
Birds are singing. The sky, never bluer.

6 months. What if we ended up together? What if this is it? Who's going to do the dishes?

7 months. Who are you and what have you done with my friend? Please put him back where you found him. Thank you.

8 months. I'm writing this. Maybe friends shouldn't date? Maybe this is down. Maybe I should wait for up.

I'm wondering if we can still be friends afterward.

for james

today i found out that my childhood friend passed away.
this came as a huge surprise.
i never realized how important he was to me until today.
i'll always remember you james.
i will remember all of our adventures throughout gradeschool.
i will miss you.
♥

to me, fair friend, you never can be old
for as you were when first your eye I eyed,
such seems your beauty still.
- william shakespeare

he sees me

weheartit

He sees me. He sees who am i. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.

When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands. How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says: "your lifelines say that we are forever." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love - and be loved in return.

My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after 1 and a half year makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.

We are forever.

- E

falling in love...

fffffound

vodka

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My only love is for you, vodka.

Before it became a crush,

we were family friends.

You slipped in and out of my parent's parties.

I saw you only in passing.

We were never introduced...

...formally, that is.

The first time I saw you out of my house

was that night.

The night we first spoke.

You comforted me and

cradled me in your arms.

I was with all my best friends,

but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.

Some say we took those first steps too quickly.

It wasn't love right away, but I was

intrigued by you and your

sense of warmth.

After nights similar to the first,

I began to think of you a lot.

If a weekend would pass without you in it,

in me,

it was incomplete.

I yearned for your touch

and the way you made my skin prickle.

My lips tingle in the thought of you now.

At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.

Innocent fun with no repercussions.

That is when I learned to love you.

I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction.

You were spontaneous.

I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,

something,

just like you.

At first, you brought out the best in me,

showed me that when we were together,

I meant something,

and I will always thank you for that.

There were times when I questioned your worth.

Some nights you would engulf me,

take everything of me,

chew me up

and spit me back out.

You never threatened me, or hurt me.

I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.

Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,

but I always forgave you the next time we were together.

Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.

Like you always had.

As if nothing had happened.

Somehow promising that tonight would be better.

From that first night to now,

our love affair has been consistent.

I always want you

and your smooth touch.

And even after every time you put me down.

You're always the one to pull me back up.

I've shared so many memories with you,

dark and messy nights,

poetic and spiritual ones too.

Every time I hear your name or

know that you are near,

my eyes widen.

I bite my lip and smile.

I get shaky and anticipate your arrival.

Some people love you superficially.

They are the ones who don't easily forgive.

But you know that I will always love you.

Some will try to tear us apart,

saying that you don't love me back.

That you can't.

They've tried and lost.

Even if I don't directly receive love in return,

the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,

lets me know that you do love me.

You are the only one who can hurt me

as much as you have,

and know that I will always run back into your arms.

-sally

break up cake

my friend rick recently started BITTERSWEET (sugar + sarcasm).
it's a quirky blog about baking with great recipes + hilarious commentary.
his header explains it all:
"Bringing sugar, happiness and delights to one person at a time.
And probably spreading diabetes too."
he recently shared a recipe i found perfect for le love:

Red Velvet Microwave Mug Broken Heart Cure Cake
We've all been there. After spending weeks stalking your loved one on facebook and planning on naming your kids after 60's era Disney movies, only to find out that he/she does not care about your near death experience trying to get him/her flowers being guarded by a coyote. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, you think: "why am I so unlovable?"

Heartbreak is never easy to take.

This cake is the perfect self-remedy. It takes about five minutes to complete from start to finish, there is minimal effort (you don't even have to measure out the exact tablespoons), it is toasty, chewy, moist, and is enjoyed only by you. After enjoying this, listen to a little 10cc, you'll be unbroken in no time.

click HERE for the delicious recipe + to visit BITTERSWEET!!

every kind of kiss

chriscraymer + tumblr

the cold

ffffound

I thought I'd be used to the cold by now.
It's been so long.
He probably feels the same way. That's why he is the way he is...
but I only feel empty

Happiness, once within me...dies.

Now, the empty space only allows the cold in.
Deeper, deeper, sharper. No way out.
Almost as if temperature does not exist.

The cold rises.

I sleep, to dream of when he "loved me"
but i freeze.

eyes wide open. I'm still here.

I realize. again.
those memories are gone...
and as i'm frozen in time, i can't move on.

Time.
It plays its tricks. But i no longer fall for them.

I would let go.
fade.
freeze..like everything else.

The only thing that is stopping me is my heart.
It won't give in to the cold.

Restless.

It still loves.

Because our promises were to never stop loving each other.
And while I kept mine...

...he never kept his.

-KC

dear you

Dear you.

I have known you for almost 5 years now. And for 3 of them I have been in love with you. I love how you always can make me smile, or cheer me up when I’m sad or down, or how you can make a joke only I will understand. I love how you’ll tell me secrets that no one is supposed to know, or how you can tell a story from your day and somewhat make me feel like I was there.

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. Or that when you call me, or we talk on the phone, and you beg me not to hang up, my heart speeds up and I smile. Or that when you hold my hand in the dark, drunk as you were, I never wanted to let go. Or that when you tell me, drunk again, how happy you are that you have me, and how kind I always am, I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.

I want you to know that I often look for you at school. You might not notice, but sometimes I do. I try to talk to you when I see you, or at least show you that I’m there and want your attention. I really just want to talk to you more, like we used to. A few years ago I think you might have been my best friend. I still want that. I want to be able to watch movies like we did. Scary ones, so I could sit closer to you, or sometimes even hold your hand. And you were holding mine.

I wish I could tell you all this, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. I’m too scared to loose you, to lose the friendship we have. But maybe some day I’ll be able to risk it. Just to have a chance of being with you. Maybe one day I finally will. Or you will.

I wish I could be only yours,

-M

you

weheartit

apology

I think I may have lost that one person.That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love them so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you I fear I always will. I know it is mostly my fault for resisting you and putting up a barrier. Something I created out of knowing that you could break my heart in a moment. I think I may have lost you. And I just want you to know I am sorry.I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. And now I have learned too late that barriers don't protect me they just hurt you. And that breaks my heart more then anything. I loved you right away because you saw through me and did not care how hard I made it. You were kind and generous. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can somehow forgive me for pushing you away. You made me delicate and I wake up crying thinking of how far you are. I am sorry for playing hard to get after the games were over. I love you with all my heart.

259

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i don’t want to be your best version.

eugene suo-me

You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them.

I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.

For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.

They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.

Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.

I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.

You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realised no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.

But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.

You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realise that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.

So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live.

I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here.

I’m going to forget the times that it was just us.

I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened.

I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.

I’m going to forget how I felt about you.

Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.

But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.

I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.

Kamara

you me oui

ffffound

dear dad

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Dear dad,

I wont ever be able to love until i get over this.
Because i cant be myself around guys
always must be happy
always sweet
always surface
always fake

why?

You.
I never could show you my real face,
always wore this smile for you even when i was burning inside.
tears of rage.
rage of rage.
hold it all in. never let you see me hurt
daddy's little princess always.
Now i see it clearly.
How can i open myself up to any other male
when i could never even open myself up to you?
I locked away my heart because i saw how you hurt mum over and over.

i went searching for my heart the other day and found that it was gone.
maybe i hid it away so well that it disappeared to another place where lost things go.
like that room in hogwarts?
Or maybe locked away in this airless casket it suffocated and died.

Now they call me fake
flirt
cold
slut
but how can i help it when i don't trust any of them.
how can i give away my heart when i don't think i even have one.

i wish i was still 6 years old,
when you would put me on your shoulders and all my problems seemed smaller than me.
I wish you could make this better for me again

Yours always,

Your little girl,
Your daughter,

your little and broken girl

worth fighting for

weheartit

sweet and imperfect

hedislimane

Reading the previous posts, I reflected upon my longstanding anxiety and both conscious and unconscious slumber for love. I dream about it so often. I notice it every day. I never FEEL it.

That is going to change.

I am a guy with an eating disorder that has shaped me, physically but also emotionally. I haven’t accepted my physical form for some time. I denied, and so denied others the chance to get close, to feel (either my touch or my warmth)

The other night I let go of my inhibitions’ and let another (guy) get close. It wasn’t love. It was a lustful step towards actualization of the need to experience both life and love. I know that inside my body (whatever it is looking like) is a goodness that needs to be expressed. I am going to share my best asset from now. My ability to love, not just through the format of dreams but through the medium of real life. I am ready to hurt, to feel, to enjoy.

I thank every one for being honest enough to express on this blog. I can’t believe I have sent this but I won’t delete one word.

I am playing my first vulnerable card in the hope that I can find it all: Love; sweet and imperfect.

(Grant)

kissing you

...makes me feel like a bad person.

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I am extremely confused and don't know if I am a bad person or not....

In October my boyfriend of almost 3 years sat me down and told me "he's changed" and that he didnt want to be together anymore. I was devastated to say the least. We had been fighting more than normal recently, but the fights were always stupid and I tried to just let them pass as easily as I could, but he would hold onto them, keeping a tally almost of all the fights, so when another one started he would start into that this was 5th fight in two weeks, or something like that, but even then I still did not see the break up coming.

Earlier in this past summer I went to visit him, because he was taking classes at our college. While I was there I found text messages he had sent to another girl, who I knew (which is a whole other story in its self) but he called her "babe" in one of them, which is what he called me. I was mortified, and he broke down to me that night and I didn't leave him, I stayed, because he seemed to be truly sorry for what he had done. Anyways, I still had trust issues to say the least (because this was now the second girl he had texted behind my back.) So when he told me he was breaking up with me I thought it was so unfair because it had only be 4 months since this event, and one of the reasons he was breaking up with me was because my trust was not fully back. It made me angry that I had stayed with him, that I had not gotten up that night and left him then and there.

Now I thought I was going to marry this guy. I was madly in love with him, or so I thought, even though he had done that to me, that's why I took him back because I believed he loved me just as much and that he had just made a mistake.

Well, come 2 months after we break up, I met a boy who was in one of my classes randomly one night. We really hit it off and we started to hang out a lot. I really like him, and that scares me, and it makes me feel like a bad person. Am I? Tonight he looked at me and told me he really like me, and he knows I just got out of a serious relationship, but he wanted to know if I wanted to be in one with him. Caught up in the moment of looking into his eyes I said I would. Now I am not the type of girl who HAS to have a boyfriend, or NEEDS the attention of a boy at all, but he just came out of no where, and at a not so great timing in my life, but I really do like him, but I am scared. Does this make me a bad person that I am already falling for another boy now 3 months after the boy I thought I was going to marry broke up with me? I don't know what to do....

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

unknown

if there is something i believe in...

unknown

Do you believe in what people call ‘soulmates’? I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.

My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.

But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.

But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.

- K