dear you

Dear you.

I have known you for almost 5 years now. And for 3 of them I have been in love with you. I love how you always can make me smile, or cheer me up when I’m sad or down, or how you can make a joke only I will understand. I love how you’ll tell me secrets that no one is supposed to know, or how you can tell a story from your day and somewhat make me feel like I was there.

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. Or that when you call me, or we talk on the phone, and you beg me not to hang up, my heart speeds up and I smile. Or that when you hold my hand in the dark, drunk as you were, I never wanted to let go. Or that when you tell me, drunk again, how happy you are that you have me, and how kind I always am, I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.

I want you to know that I often look for you at school. You might not notice, but sometimes I do. I try to talk to you when I see you, or at least show you that I’m there and want your attention. I really just want to talk to you more, like we used to. A few years ago I think you might have been my best friend. I still want that. I want to be able to watch movies like we did. Scary ones, so I could sit closer to you, or sometimes even hold your hand. And you were holding mine.

I wish I could tell you all this, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. I’m too scared to loose you, to lose the friendship we have. But maybe some day I’ll be able to risk it. Just to have a chance of being with you. Maybe one day I finally will. Or you will.

I wish I could be only yours,

-M