dear dad

tumblr

Dear dad,

I wont ever be able to love until i get over this.
Because i cant be myself around guys
always must be happy
always sweet
always surface
always fake

why?

You.
I never could show you my real face,
always wore this smile for you even when i was burning inside.
tears of rage.
rage of rage.
hold it all in. never let you see me hurt
daddy's little princess always.
Now i see it clearly.
How can i open myself up to any other male
when i could never even open myself up to you?
I locked away my heart because i saw how you hurt mum over and over.

i went searching for my heart the other day and found that it was gone.
maybe i hid it away so well that it disappeared to another place where lost things go.
like that room in hogwarts?
Or maybe locked away in this airless casket it suffocated and died.

Now they call me fake
flirt
cold
slut
but how can i help it when i don't trust any of them.
how can i give away my heart when i don't think i even have one.

i wish i was still 6 years old,
when you would put me on your shoulders and all my problems seemed smaller than me.
I wish you could make this better for me again

Yours always,

Your little girl,
Your daughter,

your little and broken girl